We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
