yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
