shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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