True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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