great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
