i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
