Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I need water and some morals
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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