Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
