you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
