There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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