I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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