this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
