id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
