I must be too annoying 4 u.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
