dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
