He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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