Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
