well most of my day revolves around power hour
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
