I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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