she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
