I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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