My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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