i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I am one with the molecules
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
