I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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