two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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