I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
