Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
