the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
