carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
