first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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