I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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