If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
