Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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