Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
