I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
