He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
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