I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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