My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
