One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
