Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
