I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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