Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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