We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He? As in you personified your dick?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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