I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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