Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
