so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
