woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
