The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Ketchup is God's man juice
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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