life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
