if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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