my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
