How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
